I’m Married But Still a Virgin

Dear E. Jean: I’ve been married four months, and I’m still a virgin. Every time I try to initiate something, my husband won’t allow me to take off my bra or panties. My job is to satisfy him with oral sex, and that’s it. I’ve tried showing him movies and books and talking to him. Nothing works. The one time I removed my bra, he asked why my breasts “sagged.” I’m considered by other people as beautiful, slim, fair, etc. We’re both from India, and we were married outside the United States. I’m in grad school here on a student visa, and he’s here training with an American company. I don’t want to suffer this way! —Save My Life

Dear Miss Save: The lad is not ready for marriage. Indeed, I was just about to tell you that life is too short for you to plead another moment for the love of this abysmal boy when I spoke with the very lively family-law attorney Vinaya Saijwani (saijwanilaw.com), who disagreed with my advice and counseled: “Don’t jump the gun on the divorce. He sounds like he has problems, but he may turn out to be a perfectly good husband. Traditional Indian men may start out as repressed mama’s boys who have contempt for women who ask for intimacy, but they end up making very good, responsible husbands and fathers.” Miss Saijwani suggests you see an Indian counselor, and then if things don’t improve and you decide to divorce, “do not go back to India.”

“But that’s a heartbreaking decision!” I cried. “Her freedom or her country?”

“Divorced women are not that well-regarded in Indian society,” said Miss Saijwani. “It would be difficult for her to find another husband there. She should stay in America, get an education, get a job, and make a life here.”

I guess if Brooks & Dunn can wait 20 years to split up, you can take a little time with an Indian counselor and ponder the next step. But I still don’t like the dolt you married.

This letter is from the Ask E. Jean Archive, 1993-2017. Send questions to E. Jean at [email protected].