Carly Rae Jepsen’s New ‘Party For One’ Video Is #Spon, So What

After All Hallows’ Eve comes All Saints’ Day—which is the perfect time to receive the blessing of a new Carly Rae Jepsen song. “Congratulations,” says the universe, “you made it this far into 2018! Here’s a CRJ joint about wanking.”

Yes, “Party For One” follows in the long line of songs that not-very-subtly could either be about celebrating one’s unique, perfect self or…celebrating one’s unique, perfect self through the medium of masturbation. (Hi, “Dancing With Myself” and “Love Myself.”)

The video also follows in the powerful tradition of #sponcon. It is no match for the reigning queen of #spon music videos—which will always be Britney Spears’ “Make Me,” since it is not only about Britney and her girls personally casting male models for her music video (same), but also debuted the extraordinary move of going from an EOS lip balm egg product placement seamlessly into a BMW nod. ICONIC!!!!!!!!

Your fave could never (have such moisturized lips)

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But I digress. Our pixie pop queen CRJ has also dived into the money pool—and why not, I ask you?

Is it really a party without vodka

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My BFF is Postmates too

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I never take off my skirt and collapse on the bed without my Calvins!!!!

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Come on. These are not like #ilovepork or #thehumblepear or #blessedyonicrystal spons. These are the most relatable #spons. Who doesn’t immediately take off their pants, pretend they’re not going to drink liquor straight from the bottle, and order takeout as soon as they get home? (Although I’m confused about how the Postmates was delivered by her BFF? Did her friend order it then decide she didn’t want to eat it by herself, then drive all the way to Carly’s hotel room? Is her BFF working as a Postmates courier, like when your friend drives a Lyft for a living and you always game it so she’s your driver? Or is this Postmates courier just…very enthusiastic and cute? IDGI.)

If you don’t care for the advertising herein (which, how dare you), well, whatever, but there’s still something in the “Party For One” video for a $$-hating misanthrope like you. Most of all, it’s this amazing octogenarian, who has better abs than me and I’m ashamed.

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I pledge allegiance to the United Abs of America!

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I don’t want a Bent-Neck Lady to haunt me! I’d rather have a Bent-Dick Lady!

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(Note: Carly Rae herself just went with the standard vibrator. Cool.)

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Tag yourself, I’m “literally not giving a shit that this video is #spon”! In conclusion, if you hate this video, you hate money, masturbation, abs, and fun! Sorry, it’s just the rules!!!!!!!