Mark Wahlberg’s Workouts Start at 2:30 a.m. and I Can’t Think Of Enough Ways to Say ‘No Thanks’

At this point, Mark Wahlberg’s Instagram is essentially an extension of the marketing department at Performance Inspired, the workout supplement company that he co-founded. This is not a bad thing—plenty of celebs use their platforms to hawk everything from shoes to dietary supplements to jade eggs. Call me Bruce Hornsby cuz I think that’s just the way it is. So, it’s no surprise that the former Marky Mark fills his grid with workout videos and product pitches. Would I prefer that he were trying to sell me a jade egg? Oh, absolutely, but I’ll take what I can get.

I’m obsessed with these videos. Mark Wahlberg has leaned full force into his identity as Hot Dad Who Will Wrestle Time and Genetics To Preserve The Body-Oddy-Oddy of His Youth. I presumed that this lifestyle mostly included installing a bench press in the garage, listening to Joe Rogan, and occasionally buying a questionable supplement, but after watching a Instagram Story about Wahlberg’s workout, I realize how wrong I was.

After a fan asked him to detail his regimen (an odd request seeing as how every post is about working out, but what do I, a fully sedentary individual, know?), Wahlberg posted the full schedule and it’s a doozy.

It begins with waking up at 2:30 A.M. and ends with a 7:30 P.M. bedtime, to which I say, “I’m good luv, enjoy.”

I thought I wanted to be a body Transformer, but after seeing what it took, that desire Departed. To paraphase, Wahlberg’s so-Boston-it-hurts character Dingham: He’s the guy who wakes up in the middle of the night to work out; I must be the other guy.

Let’s go through this together.

2:30 A.M.: Wahlberg awake. Me, dozing in the back of a Lyft. This is not a waking up time; this is a Googling “How late is Taco Bell open?” time.

2:45 A.M.: Wahlberg praying. No shade here; Wahlberg is one of Hollywood’s more famous Catholics. I do want to point out, however, that between 2:30 and 2:45 there’s just 15 minutes where he’s just staring into the darkness.

3:15 A.M.: Breakfast. This is the most outrageous sentence I have ever read.

3:40-5:15 A.M.: Mark Wahlberg then works out for an hour and 35 minutes in the middle of the night like he’s plotting revenge in a movie.

5:30 A.M.: Post-workout meal. Mark Wahlberg has now eaten twice and I am still not awake. I briefly consider dedicating my life to this plan so that I can have more meals.

6:00 A.M.: Shower. This is fine.

7:30 A.M.: Golf. Every day?! Make this man the president.

8:00 A.M.: Snack. MORE EATING! What a delight!

9:30 A.M.: Cryo chamber recovery. Aw yeah! Now we’re getting to the good stuff. Gimme that weird celebrity goodness. Remember back in the day when there were rumors that Michael Jackson used a cryo chamber and everyone was like “What is he, a mad scientist?” And nowadays, everyone you know is freezing themselves. I don’t have a standing desk anymore; I just put my laptop in a meat cooler and do all my work from there.

10:30 A.M.: Snack!!!!

Let’s take a brief pause to go over what Mark is eating during the day. During a recent IGTV Q&A (so many letters!) he did a deep dive into his meals. I thought it was very important to transcribe exactly what he said:

“I start out with steel oats, peanut butter, blueberries and eggs for breakfast. Then I have a protein shake—Performance Inspired Nutrition Vanilla Latte Shake—three turkey burgers, five pieces of sweet potato… At 8 o’clock, I have about 10 turkey meatballs. At 10:30, I have a grilled chicken salad with two hard-boiled eggs, olive, avocado, cucumber, tomato, lettuce. And then at 1 o’clock I have a New York steak with green peppers. Then at 3:30 I have grilled chicken with bok choy. Then at 5:30, 6 o’clock, I have a beautiful piece of halibut, or a cod, or sea bass. Some sort of white fish.”

I didn’t realize that what was missing in my life was celebrities rattling of everything they eat in a day.

Please make that a TV show right now. Celebrities: What Do They Eat and How Often? Let’s Find Out. We already know that the fact that Cynthia Nixon goes for a cinnamon bagel with lox and capers drives the internet wild. Imagine what else we could accomplish in this field. What do you think Noah Centineo had for breakfast? Admit it, you’ll be thinking about it for the rest of the day.

ANYWAY! Back to Mark Wahlberg, who has worked out 12 times, eaten 10 times, and frozen himself before I’ve managed my first coherent tweet.

11:00 A.M.: Family time/meetings/work calls. I am also going to start lumping all of these things together around 11 in the morning.

1:00 P.M.: Lunch!!!! I also love that Mark Wahlberg’s office day goes for two hours, includes family time, and then breaks for lunch. I support this.

2:00 P.M.: Meetings/work calls. Back on the grind!

3:00 P.M.: Pick up kids from school. I just want to point out that it is now 3 o’clock and Mark Wahlberg is four and one half hours away from bed.

3:30 P.M.: SNACK!!!

4:00 P.M.: Workout #2. Oh no!

5:00 P.M.: Shower. Ya boy Mark Wahlberg is out here taking multiple showers like it’s the dead of summer and he’s had to run errands all day.

5:30 P.M.: Dinner/family time. BRING ON THE HALIBUT!!!!

7:30 P.M.: Bedtime. Mark Wahlberg does not watch Westworld.

Props to Hot Dad Mark Wahlberg for his dedication to his bod and his health. I’m exhausted from typing this, so I’m going to take a nap, followed by a snack, followed by freezing. Hot bod, here I come!

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.