Getty ImagesJOHANNES EISELE
The cake pop in an expensive suit going by the name Howard Schultz is taking a stand against rich person slander. The centrish presidentish independesque candidate spoke out against the dreaded b-word at a book event last week, decrying the term b*llionaire and encouraging people to use “person of means” or “person of wealth.” Behold, the birth of Howard Schultz, social* justice** warrior***.
*rich person
**with a lot of time
***on his hands.
Schultz, the former Starbucks CEO who makes Moira Rose look self-aware, told interviewer Andrew Ross Sorkin, “The moniker ‘billionaire’ now has become the catchphrase. I would rephrase that and say that ‘people of means’ have been able to leverage their wealth and their interest in ways that are unfair.” Let me just pause to say, pedantically, that that’s not what a catchphrase is. However, if Schultz abandoned his presidentish campaign and joined the cast of Real Housewives of New York and made his catchphrase “BILLIONAIRE,” I would immediately stan. What can I say, I am the American public and I hate wealth unless it is sassy and GIF-able. Schultz’s campaign rollout has been pretty rocky, but if he started throwing cocktails and sent Instagram Stories from a sinking cruise ship, I think I could be convinced. Am I complicit in my own unhappiness? Duh. Next question.
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Schultz continued, “I think that speaks to the inequality but it also speaks to the special interests that are paid for people of wealth and corporations who are looking for influence.” So, are well clear? B*llionaire is out, please refer to them as People of Means, Wealth-Americans, or “Corporations.”
At first I was like, I don’t know about that one, Chief Executive Officer. But the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Personally, I hate when my financial advisor called me a “thousandaire who has an outstanding invoice.” Please henceforth refer to me as a “person of beans” or a “person of welp.” Thank you for your sensitivity.
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Schultz, who seems to be campaigning exclusively against Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, despite the fact that she is not actually running for president any time in the next six years, continued by pivoting back to his stump speech, which is a James Blake song played over store speakers at a volume that is somehow both too loud and also too soft. Roughly translated, it came out thusly: “Once again I go back to this—if I should run for president, I am not in bed with any party, I am not in bed with any special interest. All I’m trying to do is one thing: walk in the shoes of the American people.”
Cool; great idea. Mine are a size 12 Christian Siriano pump from Payless. Get to steppin’!
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The Schultz campaign launch is really remarkable for its almost pathological resistance to being in any way relatable. He’s really out here in these streets writing “#NotAllBillionaires” on Venti Flat Whites. Personally, I’m sorry that b*llionaires are getting a bad rap. Maybe they should try… not… being b*llionaires. I mean, I just don’t know what else we can do to support this vulnerable population. They’re actually over-represented in pop culture. We actually have a show called Billions! What more do they want? It’s not like Showtime is running an hour-long drama called Coupons. Maybe I’m being insensitive. I apologize. I’m going to go out and hug a b*llionaire today. And then I’m going to steal his wallet. For his own good!
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