When I Said I Wanted to Get Close to Beto’s Face, I Didn’t Mean Like This

Your boy Beto O’Rourke is out here wilding. Yesterday, on his Instagram Stories, he gave the world an up close and personal look at his new beard situation, which critics are calling “fine” and “a beard.” Today, he took it a step further and treated the world to an exclusive peak at his incisors. I feel I may need to unsubscribe from this OnlyFans account before it gets more revealing.

When I scribbled in my dream journal “I would like to [redacted] [redacted] Beto O’Rourke’s face” I didn’t mean like this. I know that he thinks he is giving us what we want but I feel like maybe he is misreading my dream journal or my frequent comments on his Instagram Stories that say things like “take off your shirt, zaddy!” and “run for president eventually but maybe not this year. I don’t know. Honestly, I’m a little bit at a loss and I just wish that I could vote for Matthew Santos again.”

While it may seem like Beto’s weirdly hygienic flex is indication that the earnest politician has jumped the shark into the Land of the Try-Hards, the brief glimpse of his molars, like the reveal of a wrist in a burlesque routine, was just meant to tantalize, not satisfy. After informing viewers that he was getting his teeth cleaned and providing footage to fuel a thousand memes, he turned the camera over to his dental hygienist, Diana from El Paso. And it’s here that his true intentions became clear. Bae-to has been devoting time on his Instagram Stories to collecting stories from people who live and work along the border, attempting to counter the Trump administration’s lies about the border crisis and to provide a human face to American citizens and permanent residents affected by the administration’s policies.

The bulk of the story belonged to Diana, who remained in costume the entire time like she was cosplaying Valentina from Drag Race.

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I, for one, commend Beto for using his platform to both garner attention like a true stunt queen, and to shine a light on people whose stories need to be told. And if Beto feels the need to become one of those shameless, shirtless Insta-influencers to truly get as much attention as possible, well, I won’t mind. It’s for a good cause.