Michale B. Jordan and Other Male Celebrities in Harnesses

Last night, at the SAG Awards, Michael B. Jordan became the latest male celeb to show up on the red carpet with his torso wrapped in leather straps like a festive present from Tom of Finland.

It was a lot of lewk for the Black Panther star, and I’m not angry, I just have some questions.

Buckling today’s hottest male stars up like an S&M car seat has become all the rage in the last year, with Jordan’s co-star Chadwick Boseman rocking a sparkly white number over an ecru suit at the Espys:

And Timothée Chalamet smoldering in all-black at the Golden Globes:

One might also lump Adam Rippon’s ensemble from last year’s Oscars into the mix, but I’d argue that’s a horse-ness of a different color.

This year’s flash chest strap lewks are the work of Louis Vuitton’s Virgil Abloh, whose 2019 Spring/Summer Menswear line sent models walking the runway with all manner of decorative chest bondage.

Apparently these are being referred to not as harnesses but as either bibs or mid-layers. On one hand, fine, call it whatever you want. On the other hand—and this is very important—do what I want. And what I want is for you to never call this a bib. What we’re not going to do in the year 2019 is have a national conversation in which I have to consistently refer to Michael B. Jordan’s bib. You Must B. Joking if you think that’s going to fly with me. Adam Rippon did not dress like Dom Daddy Edward Scissorhands for you to tell me the B in BDSM stands for Bib.

Bibs that I will allow: lettuce, Leslie, what a baby wears. End of list.

It’s a lewk that has divided fans on Twitter, but there’s no denying it’s an eye-catching pop, something men’s formalwear desperately needs. But what does this mean for everyday people? Specifically, in 10 years am I going to be giving the cerulean speech from The Devil Wears Prada but instead of color, I’m yelling at a dad at a Little League game about his “brilliant idea” to strap a belt around his ill-fitting sports jacket for the company awards dinner? I don’t know if this is har-necessary, beloved. This is a future I cannot abide!

Interestingly, Michael Bib Jordan somehow removed his harness before Netflix’s after-party, took off his jacket, and then re-applied said harness over his shirt. There are levels to this thing!

I have searched for hours, hoping that the gradual strip show continued, but to no avail. What I’m saying is, if you’re going to wear a harness and you are a celeb I thirst after, please have the decency to wear said harness over your bare chest. It’s for fashion and that is har-necessary.