One of the great things about being a professional human person with responsibilities and a sense of decorum is that whenever possible you can and will abandon all clothing in favor of flannel sackcloths, velour pants of undefinable shapes, and various other pajama creations. This option is particularly appealing during that hazy non-week between Christmas and New Year’s, when technically work exists but only as a lax theoretical concept to be pondered between bites of day-old dessert. If you’re lucky enough to be off of work or working from home this week, you most likely have completely forgotten how buttons work, the meaning of “business casual,” and the fact of shoes. (A leather box you put on your feet to make you unhappy and/or taller.) At a certain point, the thought occurs, “Why don’t I live like this all the time?” And the answer is: because you don’t love yourself enough. But, it’s never too late to renew your vows to yourself and break up with non-billowy sleeves.
The only question during these sartorially sedate days is whether at any point you should consider wearing something different. How long can this reasonably go on? Let’s investigate.
The 24-hour-long pajama game is almost too easy to win. A lazy morning somehow turns into an afternoon spent napping and watching TV. Suddenly the sun is setting (how rude!) and you have to ask yourself, “Am I interested in leaving the house for food? Short of that, do I mind if a delivery person sees me in pajamas?” I think we all know the answer to those questions.
Two days in pajamas is the same as one day in pajamas except it happens again. Two days in pajamas is a sequel. Everybody loves a sequel. Or, if you don’t love a sequel (unfortunately Ralph Breaks the Internet, I am looking at you), you tolerate it and will probably buy the DVD. This is like that except with clothes that you don’t have to take off. Again, I cannot reinforce how much staying in pajamas requires little-to-no effort on your part and is, therefore, a perfect state of being.
It may seem outrageous to wear pajamas for five straight days, even if you change the pajamas every day (which is allowed in this exercise). But I want you to remember that every week you spend five days getting out of pajamas and putting on an A-line skirt or a necktie or the Gritty costume or whatever it is they want you to wear at your job. We are not debating the concept of clothes here. We’re simply talking about whether you’d be happier in cozier clothes. And the answer to that is always going to be yes, yes I would be happier in cozier clothes.
I’m mad we still have to talk about this. When you go on a seven-day cruise, you wear seven days worth of Hawaiian shirts (and perhaps one formal ensemble for that one dinner where you have to pretend to be interested in meeting other people). Pajamas are not simply a fashion choice; they are a lifestyle. One full week in pajamas shows a commitment to your better life.
At a certain point you ask yourself, “Why clothes?” and that, friends, is the key to true freedom. Are you pajamas comfortable? Do you not have any pressing commitments or life obligations? Are you preternaturally adept at turning Skype video calls into audio calls? This is the lifestyle for you.
I am now prepared to introduce you to the secret of true enlightenment: you don’t actually ever have to wear non-pajamas. You can wear pajamas literally everywhere, to work, to the grocery store, to church. Think about all the places that it is already okay to wear pajamas: a college campus, an airport, the 2017 Teen Choice Awards:
The idea that you have to wear non-pajamas is a mental prison. And you know that the key that unlocks the prison doors is? I’ll give you a hint: its made of flannel and maybe has your initials stitched on it for some reason.
(It’s pajamas. The keys to your freedom are pajamas.)
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