Like a boop on the nose from Mrs. Jessica Claus herself, the holiday coffee beverages have once again graced Starbucks locations around the country with their magical presence. It’s a time of mystery and wonder that begs the question: Which holiday treat is the most delectable of all? And, also, Mrs. Claus’ first name is Jessica?! Let’s take the second question first. The answer is yes and I’m as shocked as you are. I always thought her name was Mary. Mary Claus. It tracks. But, to quote Rudolph when asked if he forgave the other reindeers for their bullying, “Nope!” Jessica Claus sounds like a high-powered attorney specializing in intellectual property law. She’s got a very chic office, all cement and floor-to-ceiling windows, and she’s prone to swanning into the open area where the associates work and declaring, “The rest of the day is cancelled. Let’s just live!” She’s great. So glad she’s able to pursue her dreams and live her truth while her husband is judging children and breaking into people’s homes. Kind of a mismatch, but whatever; love is unexplainable.
You can chalk the very strong but divided opinions around Holiday Drinks up to the mystery of love as well. There’s no accounting for taste and there’s no explaining why one is drawn to a certain flavor over another. Fortunately, I am here with the correct ranking. This list is both highly scientific and full of love. And, I should reiterate, correct. Without further ado, the seasonal hot beverages ranked from the one Jessica Claus would least enjoy to the one she regularly buys for the whole office.
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#7: Chestnut Praline Latte
Jessica Claus is going to have to pass on this one. Chestnut Praline is a complicated taste profile that requires you to be familiar with what chestnuts taste like and also pralines and that that is a good thing in your book. What makes matters even harder is that this drink doesn’t really taste like either. It’s like a hint of nuttiness. Like La Croix Nut. Jessica Claus would buy this for you if said this was your favorite but she’d also take you aside later, maybe at the holiday wine-tasting party, and ask if you were okay.
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#6: Gingerbread Latte
This one doesn’t rank higher only because the actual gingerbread at Starbucks is so much tangier and tastier. Is it like the gingerbread Jessica Claus’ great aunt Maude-Ellen Gingerbread used to make at her iconic shop, North Pole Treats and Eats? Heavens no! That ginger in Maude-Ellen’s loaves was so vibrantly spicy it was often compared to a comedy set by Nicole Byer. This latte is no Nicole Byer, is what we’re saying here, but it is a sweet and slightly zesty treat.
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#5: Holiday Spice Flat White
Pour one ristretto shot out for this beverage, gone too soon. It combined a blend of “holiday spices”—ginger, cloves, cinnamon, and tangerine (famously not a spice!)—with the traditional flat white beverage. Jessica Claus, Esq. was unconvinced about the originality of this premise. True, the effect was to mimic mulling spices in cider but, as Mrs. Claus frequently writes in her amicus briefs on intellectual property, “There are many new ideas under the sun, but this is not one of them.”
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#4: Caramel Brulée Latte
The brulée-style sprinkles on top of this latte are like little nuggets of crunchy joy and if there’s one thing that Mrs. Jessica Claus and her crackerjack team of lawyers, investigators, smart aleck legal assistants, and assorted guest stars can’t get enough of it’s emotions transformed, magically, into food items. It’s like when someone pulls out some badass molecular gastronomy on a cooking show and everyone at home is like “Oh, my! It’s chicken tikka masala but it’s made entirely of smoke! I don’t understand it but, by golly, I’m holly jolly about it!”
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#3: Egg Nog Latte
Wow. No disrespect to noted jurist Jessica Claus, but I really disagree with the placement of this item. In my book, the Egg Nog latte is tops. The year it was introduced, I would drink two a day all season, which is not something I recommend, actually, but also not something that I regret per se. Jessica Claus, however, must feel differently and as we are deferring to her preternatural opinion on all things Holiday, I must accept this decision, while entering my objection into the record. Egg Nog is a controversial beverage. Is it pancake batter in a glass? Sure. Is that bad? Maybe! You be the judge. Well, actually, Jessica Claus will probably be the judge. It’s where her career is going. Everyone knows that.
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2: Peppermint Mocha
A feast for the senses! The chocolate chips! The zip of peppermint, nipping at your tongue! The warm embrace of mocha! What a masterpiece. This drink couldn’t be better if it was designed by Jessica Claus herself as part of her part-time dessert drinks business. Chocolate is a year-round flavor and anyone who’s ever known the delight of an Andes Crème De Menthe or a Girl Scout Thin Mint will remind you that the marriage of mocha and mint is always in season. But there’s something particularly festive about the combination at holiday time. A near-perfect drink.
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#1: Toasted White Chocolate Mocha
“It’s not just mocha. It’s not just white chocolate mocha. It’s toasted. White chocolate. Mocha,” Jessica Claus whispers to me, emphatically, as we huddle in the corner of this Starbucks, talking about life, love, loss, and, of course, lattes. Her glasses are fogged over with the steam from her third mocha. Her tone is hushed, intense, urgent. This is holiday magic we’re discussing: serious stuff. The stuff of dreams and of legends. “I want to go to the place where they toast the mocha,” she confides in me, her head lolling woozily. “That is the center of all things extraordinary in the universe.” She sits back and then suddenly chuckles and shakes her head. “I’m so random. Anyway, this is the best holiday drink at Starbucks. Is that what you needed for your little article?” Yes, I answer. I have what I need and some much more, Mrs. Jessica Claus. Thank you.
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