It Is Jeff Sessions’ My Greatest Honor to Quit Because Trump Is Firing Him

Dear President Trump,

At your request, I am submitting my resignation.

Thank you for telling me you are firing me by my own quitting. It is my greatest honor to be fired by you while I am in the process of quitting because you told me to. There is a phrase I once saw stitched on to a pillow that read “You can’t fire me, I quit.” While it gave all of us quite a laugh, I do have an edit. Mr. President, you can fire me and also I quit.

This is probably the best of all the terrible things I will be remembered for. And I thank you.

This development is an inspiring cap on my lifetime of atrocity so malevolent that Coretta Scott King was compelled to write a letter to Congress urging them to block my nomination as a federal judge. She called my conduct “reprehensible” and described my attempts to intimidate elderly black voters as “shabby,” two words which are hilarious to those who oppose me and also accurate in general. She concluded the letter by expressing regret that she could not come to D.C. and say these things directly to Strom Thurmond’s face. It’s a devastating takedown through the simple act of relaying true facts about my actual behavior in a way that accurately characterizes its intention and effect. And it will surely outlast me and any of my execrable accomplishments.

This is why, Mr. President, I am so grateful that you gave me this one last chance to sully my bad name with yet another public embarrassment brought on by my own poor moral character and work history. It has been the dream of a lifetime to spend two years being mercilessly mocked and maligned by you on Twitter and in passing comments in your ramshackle stream of consciousness public statements. Few people in your administration have been treated with such open contempt and lack of respect and it is both entirely deserving and deeply gratifying.

To be fired by you via my own resignation that you asked me to write to you while you were firing me is something I will treasure for the rest of my days. Thank you for not just allowing me to resign but rather granting me the opportunity for yet another self-own through a letter that makes it clear that none of this was my choice and I have no dignity left to be shredded.

I have probably enjoyed all of the truly wretched things we have accomplished together and I do not deserve to leave the White House with my head held high. I join a list of former Trump administration members who are scoundrels and scam artists that should be publicly shunned but oddly have not been. Many of them resigned seemingly of their own volition and so I thank you for forcing me to let the public know that I was definitely fired by a bad man who has built a career off of making poor hiring choices and somehow avoiding criminal prosecution despite crimes. I, a lawyer, count it an honor to aid and abet you and, now, to be tossed aside by you like an errant piece of garbage.

God bless (some of ) America,

Jeff B. Sessions

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