I’m Having an Affair with a Married, Older Coworker

Dear E. Jean: Last month, a guy from our company came into my office, and we ended up having a four-hour conversation about our lives. Last week he came back, and after everyone had left the office, I ended up giving him oral sex. This was my first time.

He let me know I was too young for “us to have a relationship,” because he said I would “leave him when I found someone my own age.” I’m 21. He’s 37 and married. Yesterday I saw him, succumbed to temptation, and gave him oral sex again! Afterward he said he was “putting his foot down” and ending it “forever.”

Did I do something wrong? Is he really afraid I’ll leave him for someone my age? Or that I could hurt his career? It’s very hard to see him at work and pretend nothing happened between us. I’m embarrassed that I have feelings for him. Should I wait for him to make the next move? Or should I believe him when he says it’s ended forever? —Confused and Used

Confused, My Dear: I don’t know where to begin, so, with your permission, let me just list the last five epoch-making questions in your letter and endeavor to answer them.

1. “Did I do something wrong?” Yes. You must not give oral sex to a married man.

2. “Is he really afraid I’ll leave him for someone my age?” No. He’s afraid his wife will leave him and take the house, the boat, the car, and the kids when she finds out he’s getting blow jobs from a 21-year-old at the office.

3. “Or that I could hurt his career?” You are only 21, which must be your excuse for being a complete ignoramus. But because I want you to be happy and find meaning in your life, let me speak as clearly as I can on this point: Receiving oral sex from you in the office will not hurt this foul excrescence’s career. It will kill it. If he’s a manager, team leader, or supervisor, when people find out—and they usually do find out, trust me—he will probably be fired. At any rate, his status will be annihilated. As for your status and reputation—if word gets out, you’re finished. This is definitely not what Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg meant when she advised young women to “Lean In.”

4. “Should I wait for him to make the next move?” No. You must take the lead. Ask for a transfer. Why? See below:

5. “Should I believe him when he says it’s over ‘forever’?” No. Because you’re a young, easy, lazy target, he’ll soon get all rutted up and come after you again. Until you transfer out, never be alone in the office, and—allow me to speak sternly—never stay late; never surrender!

This letter is from the Ask E. Jean Archive, 1993-2017. Send questions to E. Jean at [email protected].