Former Texas Senate Candidate Beto O’Rourke Bounced Back With a Weekend of Instragram Fun

Wow, this is a late-breaking political development but I think my favorite social media influencer of 2018 is… grown-up ’90s boyfriend Beto O’Rourke! After a disappointing Election Day defeat to a bootleg Times Square costume of Count Von Count, many thought that O’Rourke would immediately set his sights on future races, possibly even the White House in 2020. It seems, for now at least, that political aspirations are taking a backseat to Beto’s new career as a lifestyle guru on Instagram. And, let me tell you, he wins this in a landslide.

Like your most annoyingly perfect blogger friend, Beto populated this Instagram Stories on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with the kind of the kind of “Live, Laugh, Love” content you only see on the Hallmark Channel. And I cannot get enough. I have resigned myself to the idea that I will never reach the end of my Instagram Stories queue but as long as there’s the promise that somewhere in there Beto O’Rourke is glancing soulfully at the camera while supervising an arts and crafts project in his stunningly well-lit Nancy Meyer’s kitchen, I will persevere.

Let’s take this day-by-day. On Friday, BAE-to posted a long series of videos in which he made homemade slime with his daughter. In a scene out of Breaking Bad Jr., O’Rourke and his progeny combined glue, shaving cream, lotion, food coloring, contact solution and Tide to produce a sticky creation. Nothing says, “I am doing okay after losing an election to a sentient bag of potatoes from the floor of a Five Guys” like letting your daughter pour a whole bunch of household products into a bowl.

First of all, clock that casual baleful glance at his wife and camera operator Amy Hoover Sanders at the 15-second mark. I would like to swim in that glance. I would like an entire Instagram dedicated to that glance.

Second of all, I am obsessed with the unbotheredness of all of this. BAE is just watching his daughter expertly lead him through this recipe like a post-apocalyptic Ina Garten, leaning on the counter, oozing appeal, and looking about 7.8 years younger than he has any right to look. Last week this time, this dude was sweating through a dress shirt while running all over Texas like Sally Field’s character (metaphorically!) in Steel Magnolias. Now he’s chilling in the kitchen supervising an arts and crafts project wth dubious educational value. Honestly, it’s a glow-up!

On Saturday morning, Beto made like the person I always say I’m going to be and yet never am, by rising early and throwing some scones and a German pancake in the oven. He’s giving you Bake-o O’Rourke!

First of all, I am obsessed with how proud he is of his creations. He is giving such intense talented dad vibes, with his roving camera work and his slightly awed delivery. And when he says, “Amy, come pick one of these up and eat it”? Whew, chile. I will never recover.

Second of all, I legit want Bake-o O’Rourke’s scone recipe. Like, please someone offer him a cookbook deal. Yes, I am willing to spend $29.95 on a book I will never use based on one seven second video. I am the American public and I don’t know what’s best for me!

Side note: We need Beto to collabo with fellow Texan Jennifer Garner immediately if not sooner. For years, she’s had the market cornered on projecting unbotheredness while doing the kind of fun homemaking projects literally no one has the time to do. For instance, here she is in full face makeup and wig, reciting Shakespeare while making homemade guacamole. It should be unbearable; instead it’s delightful.

After an incredible breakfast in his The Family Stone kitchen, Bake-o turned to Bark-o by going on a hike with like 20 dogs in the mountains (?) of Texas (?). Honestly, if you told me this was all in a different, far more beautiful universe, I’d believe it.

First of all, I am obsessed with how many friends Bark-o O’Rourke has. It makes me very happy.

Second of all, I’m on a plane to Texas right now and I’ve brought my dog and an empty stomach.

Meanwhile, Ted Cruz spent the weekend eating stale Halloween candy and counting down the days til he can once again flay his own self respect on the crucible of Donald Trump’s megalomania. I have to laugh.

Finally, on Sunday night, Beto threw a flank on the grill and filmed himself making the initial cuts, assuming his final Zaddy form: Steak-o O’Rourke.

First of all, this beautiful man really loves food and it makes me so happy.

Second of all, this:

Licking Thumbs 2020!

Right before the video came out, Steak-o shared a lengthy email with his supporters in which he gave a detailed account of his weekend, expressed eloquent gratitude, and mentioned a whole bunch of people we don’t know like the beautiful perfect lifestyle blogger that he is. He preceded the food with the entire story of his life and I’m obsessed. This is that thing where you are trying to get to a recipe and you have to scroll for five minutes through an entire Karl Knausgård volume just to get there. I loved every word of it.

It definitely does not sound like BAE wants to put his family through a presidential run and I don’t blame him. I’d be fine with him opening up a scone shop and taking well-lit sponcon Instagrams for a while. We need that kind of beauty in our lives.

Live Your Beto Life 2020!

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