Ted Cruz Made Heidi Cruz Play the Aladdin CD at Their Wedding

Famed astrology fan Ted Cruz has made a lot of questionable choices in his life. Why did he support a president who constantly bullied him and his family when they were political opponents? Why does he insist on trying to beat hot zaddy Beto O’Rourke? Why did he leave The Muensters? So many questions. But none are as vexing as Cruz’s decision to play “A Whole New World” from a CD at his wedding.

In a new profile in The Atlantic, Heidi Cruz lets the world in on her husband’s second most terrifying secret. “[Ted] insisted they play ‘A Whole New World,’ the popular Disney song, at the end of the ceremony,” Elaina Plott writes in her profile. “[Heidi] didn’t understand: They had a band, she told him—a violinist, no less! Why on earth would they play a CD? ‘Because no one can do Aladdin,’ he said.”

In the words of the immortal Genie: “Wah-ah-ah, mo-my/ Wah-ah-ah, no-no.”

It’s amazing that Ted Cruz can make even the most benign things seem sinister and foreboding: smiling, public service, a very sharp part in the hair, hugging, the Zodiac, and now Disney movies.

Oh, these poor, unfortunate souls. Ted Cruz made his wife bring a CD to their wedding in the year 2001 and put that CD in, I don’t know, a boom box. A boom box! Because no one else could compare. I love the idea that Ted refuses to let a professional wedding band try their hand at a song that everyone you have ever met has drunkenly sung at karaoke for decades. Could just any band match the vocal stylings of Lea Salonga and Brad Kane and/or Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle? Of course not. Lea Salonga is a legend! You ever heard Peabo Bryson?! Your ears will melt. But could a wedding band do the song well enough for a wedding featuring Ted Cruz? Yeah, I think they could stumble through.

Now, I’m sure the International Order of People Who Have Played Disney Songs at Their Weddings is going to come for me for this. There’s nothing wrong with having a Disney song at your wedding. Beto O’Rourke would have sung “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” live and absolutely killed it. I am for this. But Ted Cruz doing it is giving me major Jafar vibes.

The erstwhile Prince Ali didn’t sneak into the Cave of Wonders, risk his life, steal the lamp, make three wishes, hot wire a carpet like he was on Fast and Furious: Textile Drift, realize the real diamond is inside of him for this terrible senator to besmirch his signature song.

And there’s nothing wrong, I suppose, with playing a Disney song from a CD at your wedding. Have you heard Peabo Bryson?! I mean! Many people play “Beauty and the Beast” by Celine and Peabo at their weddings and remarkably they don’t intend it as shade. So there’s that!

You want to do a mother-son dance at your wedding to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”? Okay! I’m definitely going to text other people about it but I’ll allow it. You want to do a slide show to “Remember Me”? I will sue you for emotional distress. You want to breakdance down the aisle to “I 2 I” from A Goofy Movie? I will give you a standing ovation and send a second gift. The point is do whatever you want at your wedding. Just don’t be Ted Cruz.