I, Too, Would Like to Resign From Whatever It Is That’s Happening Right Now

To Whom It May Concern in Washington, D.C.:

I, like Rod Rosenstein—who is currently still possibly the Deputy Attorney General allegedly at present per sources—would very much like to be done with whatever it is you idiots are doing. Unsubstantiated rumors surfaced earlier today that Rod Rosenstein had verbally resigned to John Kelly (doesn’t count if you don’t pinky swear, per the employee handbook). It turned out that maybe he discussed hinting at resigning but then he went to the White House to have a conversation about potentially being sort of fired. Sad for him (but glad for constitutional crises!) Trump wasn’t home. So Rosenstein remains employed in this hellmouth. Congratulations?

I am writing today to inform you that unlike Rod Rosenstein, I will not be waiting until the strategically scheduled Thursday meeting with the President to tender my resignation from literally everything happening in the news. I am currently standing outside of the White House holding a sign that reads “I’m over it, dummies.” Please accept that as my two weeks notice.

Per the guidelines in the handbook, I, too, had a conversation with John Kelly about my desire to bounce from this piece. True, it was not with the actual John Kelly but rather with a very specifically targeted Twitter parody account called JawnKellyKapowski, but truth be told, I respect the Twitter version more.

In place of an exit interview, please accept this Soundcloud link to me rage screaming for 45 minutes straight. I think that will answer all of your questions about how you could improve in the future.

What went wrong here? Well, the President and Republican leadership turned a Senate confirmation hearing into a vile, misogynistic affirmation of rape culture, elevating what started out as simply (simply!) a partisan battle that would result in in laws aimed at subjugating a large swath of the population into a horrific daily showcase of just how depraved the men running the government are. And I want out of it.

Meanwhile, Rosenstein possibly, supposedly, allegedly half-joked about secretly recording the President saying any number of maniacal things (despite the fact that there are hours of tapes of him doing just that on live television) and it was characterized as an attempted coup instead of an attempt (however half-hearted) to invoke the Amendment specifically created for an occasion such as this. And I want out.

The news has reached a pitch so fevered I’m concerned it is patient zero in a zombie movie. And like the duplicitous businessman who locks himself in a bunker in said movie, I just don’t want to be involved anymore. And I will probably be eaten alive anyway.

You see my dilemma, faceless, feckless Washingtonian leader. Don’t you? You know how we all have that friend who is just constant drama and we secretly, not-so-secretly, suspect that they just do things for attention? You know that friend who is always calling you collect from a motel in San Luis Obispo talking about “I broke my lease and I sold my car but it wasn’t actually my car, it was your car, and I hope you don’t mind. Also, I may have committed some light treason. We should really catch up! Are you free for lunch? Your treat.” Trump is that friend.

And like I said to Chad the last time he texted asking me to wire him money for unpaid parking tickets and his Kickstarter for an app that captures the names of everyone at every party you attend, just in case, “New phone. Who is this?”

So, in conclusion, this week is already too much, you’re the worst, I’m over it, and you need to stop. This isn’t how democracy works—this isn’t how anything works—and I refuse to be held captive by you anymore.

Please forward my check.

Thank you.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.