He Ghosted After Our First Video Chat

Dear E. Jean: After ending a six-year affair with a married man (I’m surprised I’m still alive after the biggest crash of my life), I started meeting people online. One guy, the most gorgeous Frenchman ever (my age—36—and single) showed me a lot of attention. He said he’d “found the woman of his dreams.” I was in heaven!

Finally, we moved to Skype and saw each other on camera. I was dressed up for our first meeting, and it took me several minutes to understand what was happening, but I realized that as we talked, he was touching and playing with himself in front of me—clearly excited.

We’re adults, but this was a little disturbing! All this fire at seeing me for the first time? But since he’s so handsome, sensitive, genuine, smart and owns his own company, I began thinking maybe it was me, and I was just being prudish. But he then abruptly turned off his camera and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m so sad. He liked me so much! I could tell by his eyes. I have a great job. I even texted him and invited him to visit me in Key West, all expenses paid. Should I ask him why he stopped talking to me? I’m totally into this guy! What did I do wrong? He’s a prince!—Perfect French Connection

Perfect, My Pimm’s Cup: We all understand how it happened. You were half-dead from a complicated breakup—sad, vulnerable, defenseless, looking for love—and by gawd if technology didn’t send you a handsome stranger who “owns his own company.”

The puzzling part is that the man masturbated in front of you, brought the call to a heart-stopping climax, then disappeared…and you want to see him again. Darling, I don’t want to cause you more hurt, but if you can’t recognize that it’s not a loving gesture when a chap gallops his antelope during the first minute of a meet-and-greet, you are not ready to see chaps on dating sites.

I’m also very worried that you invited him to visit and offered to pay his expenses. If you lavish your precious, good-natured kindness upon a man who treated you so terribly, what would you do if he actually arrived on your doorstep? Give him your house? Your savings? My luv, I want you to see a counselor who will help you put this “prince” into perspective. Smart women become smart by stumbling, getting up, learning from their suffering, and being better than they used to be.

P.S. In six months, when you’re strong and serious and ready to start meeting men again and you run across a chap you like, send me his profile. I’ll check him out. If he passes muster, I’ll permit him to court you.

This letter is from the Ask E. Jean Archive, 1993-2017. Send questions to E. Jean at [email protected]