These are dark times for human-device relations. Nosey robot assistants like Alexa and Siri are eavesdropping on us and our cookies—the small pieces of data that collect our preferences and cater advertisements to us—are messing with us. Like that time a pair of sold-out shoes I desperately wanted haunted me across the web for a month. But today we’re here to talk about a different data dilemma: the mildly embarrassing, occasionally grief-inducing toll that personalized ads can take on human-human relationships.
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If you’ve ever searched for an engagement ring, a present for a significant other, tacky lingerie, or any other incognito-window-worthy search on Google, you’ve probably been served with an ad for something you didn’t end up buying (but that Jeff Bezos and Larry Page really, really wanted you to). Five brave women experienced their own cookie-related nightmares, and lived to tell the tale. These are there stories. *Dun dun*
Your present versus the present Google warned you about
“What’s truly evil about cookies is how they bring you back to the very bottom of your last online shopping k-hole, when you were at your most crazed, on an item you thought better of buying. So when I’m showing my boyfriend an Instagram meme and he accidentally gets a peek at a targeted ad for a some menswear thing on my screen, he’s not seeing what he’s getting for his birthday. He’s seeing the ridiculously expensive version that I decided wasn’t worth it but is still lingering in a cart somewhere.” — Kat, 29
Can a girl dream?
“I am no where close to thinking about marriage, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend some of my free time looking at all the beautiful dresses and engagement rings the internet has to offer. But then suddenly all my ads become those very rings and dresses! Not only does this mean I look at even more engagement rings, but also makes me wonder when I’ll have to explain my very specific ads to my boyfriend.” — Madison, 24
The ghosts of relationships past
“My ex and I were on the marriage path, or so I thought, and we would shop for rings together. When the relationship didn’t work out, and things ended badly, I ditched the dud but couldn’t shake the served cookies. Every time I logged on there it was: my perfect Catbird ring serving as a memory of my garbage relationship. Google did me so dirty.” — Alysha, 27
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Thirst TRAPS
“At one of my first writing jobs I was assigned to write a story on the ’50 hottest NFL players’ during the 2015 season. As a journalist, I take my job very seriously, so I did extensive research in the form of Google image search. Later, I was being inundated with NFL season tickets and NFL player-related content. My boyfriend waited all offseason for me to surprise him with tickets until the fateful day an article came out listing the hottest players he was hoping to see collide into each other in real life.” — Chloe, 26
Sexy Poop Emoji
“One time during Halloween season I was looking for Halloween costume inspiration and decided to, jokingly, browse around Yandy. Yandy, the very sexy costume site, is a horny overload with sexy- nurses, dogs, cats, watermelons, you name it. For weeks after October 31 I was served with pervy costumes, and it wasn’t until ‘sexy poop’ emoji popped up my boyfriend asked, ‘So, is that your kink?’” — Sarah, 27
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