Prince Harry in a Top Hat Looks Like the Hot Young Mr. Monopoly of My Dreams

Wow. If you had told me yesterday that I would ever support something—anything—that covered Prince Harry’s beautiful ginger tresses I would have called you a scurrilous liar and given you a job on Fox News. But yesterday is but a distant, youthful memory and I am a changed person because I have now beheld his Royal Highness in a top hat and my whole life is millinery thirst.

For comparison sake, here’s Harry without a top hat:

And here’s him with a top hat:

EYES EMOJI!

Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, and Harry, Duke of Sussex, got dolled up to attend Royal Ascot Day and I now have to destroy my entire vision board and devote all my attention to snacks in stove-tops. Meghan wore Givenchy with a stunning hat of her own by Philip Treacy. Together, they look like every one of my favorite moments from Four Weddings and a Funeral meets every one of my favorite moments from a truly inspired regional production of Hello Dolly!

The drama of it all!

Am I into top hats or am I just into Prince Harry in a top hat? Must make a note to talk about this at length in therapy.

For example, behind Harry there’s a whole bunch of dudes in top hats, including the royalest dude, Prince Charles, but do I see them? No. I’m like a Westworld host that is only programmed to recognize his supreme hotness Prince Harry and his magic top hat.

Prince Harry looks like he’s starring in a live-action origin story about Scrooge McDuck and if you think I wouldn’t pay large dollars to see Harry wearing a monocle and swimming through gold coins, you’re fooling yourself. You’re fooling yourself.

Prince Harry looks like the Young Mr. Monopoly of my dreams. He can sell me Boardwalk any day. What does this mean? Who cares?! There’s a top hat involved! This is no time for questions!

It is a rare man who can pull off a top hat. It is the height of formal fashion but it can come off as costume-y without the proper attitude. Prince Harry, apparently, has that attitude and I am chapeau shewk!

Other people who can also top it off:

Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman should probably always wear a top hat, tbh. He is the person that top hats were made for.

Zoe Kravitz. Obviously.

Felicity Jones. Surprisingly!

Colin Firth. Colin Firth can do whatever he wants.

This cat!

Ari from The Bachelor.

Just kidding.

But can any compare to Prince Harry in a top hat?

Yesterday I would have said yes. But I was so young and foolish then. Today is another day and I’m feeling brand new.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.