An Astrologist Helps Decode Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande’s Whirlwind Relationship

By now we’ve all heard the stories. It took Pete Davidson five days to ink a tribute tat to potential-bae Ariana Grande, a fortnight more to stamp her initials on his thumb, and roughly a month before dropping a $93,000 on a pear-shaped diamond engagement ring set on a fully iced platinum band.

Are these moves ripped straight from the “10 Ways to Bring Certain Doom to a Relationship” handbook? Or are they just…a Scorpio-Cancer thing?

Oh, water signs.

Look, we cannot deny the rarified connection between a Cancer (Ariana) and a Scorpio (Pete). In fact, it’s kind of a match made in astrological heaven. Two highly sensitive individuals with profound trust issues—matched only by their wild mood swings and penetrating gazes—actually find each other amid the numbed-out masses. It feels divinely guided! Meant to be! And definitely too intensely sexy to resist.

When not in love, water signs can be as glacial as the iceberg that brought down the Titanic. But in case you didn’t realize, their cooler-than-thou front is actually a defense mechanism. When water signs drop their guards, it’s like watching a dam burst open behind a rushing river. We’re pretty sure it was a water sign who inspired the term “emotional floodgates.” Who knew so many feels were bottled up in there? Bye-bye Resting Bitch Face, hello Perma-Puppy Grin.

And, they’re both possessive! When Cancers decide to hold on, they don’t let go without a fight—those crab claws, they can grip. Envy is a Scorpio’s favorite deadly sin. They’re going to mark their territory—even if their pheromones spray out the form of a twee cloud emoji and bunny ears.

Currently, another Cancer-Scorpio infatuation situation is making water sign waves. Behold, the unapologetic love triangle of Scorpio Kendall Jenner and her two Cancer baes, baller Ben Simmons and her baby-bro-friend Anwar Hadid, who she was spotted kissing very publicly last week. And, in its own way, it’s packed with all the “can’t look away” drama and intensity of the Pete and Ariana saga.

In the Cancer-Scorpio power pyramid, Scorpios like Pete have the upper hand in 2018—even if said hand is marked for life by Cancerian iconography. Uninhibited Jupiter is cycling through Scorpio from October 10, 2017 until this November 8—a once-per-decade transit that puts all their notoriously sexy ways on blast. Jupiter is the cosmic gambler who leaps first and looks around later. While Scorpios are reputed to be cool and calculating, the red-spotted planet seems to have eliminated their ability to think beyond the moment.

Trouble is, most Cancers like Ariana are looking for a forever-after thing. They might lead with their coquettish charms, but if you get to their tender underbelly, you had better not eff with them. If you do, things could get Gryffindor versus Slytherin verrrrry fast. Like, have you listened to Grande’s lyrics? A little sampling from Love Me Harder:

Tell me something, I need to know
Then take my breath and never let it go
If you just let me invade your space
I’ll take the pleasure, take it with the pain

Ummmm.

Scorpios can have addictive personalities. When they are into you, they are INTO YOU. Their need for high-highs might even exhaust the tender Crab, who could pull a reverse Sleeping Beauty after the power of Scorpio’s kiss wears off. By the same token, a Scorpio’s poison-of-choice may change on a dime—and their ghosting powers are legendary. It’s beyond mysterious—in fact, its an enigmatic mindfuck.

We’d be remiss if we didn’t cite this cautionary tale for the freshly engaged Pariana. Fifteen years ago, a similar astrological pairing rose to prominence: Cancer Jessica Simpson and Scorpio Nick Lachey. A virgin bride, Simpson crossed the erotic threshold on her wedding night, describing the act as “the most amazing moment of my life.” (Not for nothing, but have you ever slept with a Scorpio? #dickmatized)

Soon after, their hit reality show Newlyweds aired on MTV and the world couldn’t turn away. Everything seemed perfect on the surface with these lovebirds: the purchase of the pre-fab dream home, the gentle teasing, the schmaltzy duets sang with deep eye gazes at Jingle Ball super-concerts. Ultimately, a storm blew in and took down the Lachey love nest. As Simpson’s career heated to exothermic, 98 Degrees cooled—and, we suspect, Nick’s notorious Scorpio jealousy kicked in. It didn’t help that Simpson, a family-oriented Cancer, couldn’t shake manager-daddy “Papa Joe” whose constant presence was a noted sexual buzzkill to Lachey.

So pay attention, Ariana and Pete. And maybe start working on some early-prevention mood management techniques for those days when “swept away” turns into “drowning in my own emotions.” The spell of new relationship energy will invariably wear off—and since you just invested more than the average American’s salary in a ring—you want to make sure your bond goes deeper than “Harry Potter’s wand meets Ollivander’s wand box.”

Of course, if we could could turn into Dumbledore and cast a spell for you, this is what we’d say: May you find a lighthouse in the storm, a safe harbor in each other’s arms. And when it comes to actually getting hitched, hold your hippogriffs!