How Should I Handle My Surprise Pregnancy When the Baby’s Dad Is Horrible?

Dear E. Jean: I’m in a very tense situation that needs prompt attention. I recently found out I’m pregnant by a man I’d been dating for two months. Obviously things had moved very fast after he declared his love. But then he began to reveal himself: borrowing money from me, stealing my credit card, and erupting in anger at people in my life. Complicating matters further, I am recovering from thyroid cancer and facing some serious health issues.

But when I first saw the pregnancy test pop up positive, I was very happy! I imagined a life in which my Jekyll-and-Hyde boyfriend could hold down a job and be a good dad. Now I’ve learned he has a history of domestic violence and alcohol abuse, and doesn’t consistently take his medicine for his several mental-health problems. I’ve kicked him out twice and called the police. I’m at the point at which I never want to see him again. But if I have the baby, will I have to deal with him forever? Subject my child to his erratic behavior?

I’m 32, with the cancer recovery still in progress, and though I’m afraid I’m not ready to be a mother, this could be my last chance. I’m weighing whether I should terminate this pregnancy or give birth and deal with the violent father. Please help me decide what to do! Time is of the essence! —Unconquerable

My Dear, Dear Unconquerable: I wish with all my soul that this didn’t have to be a “decision.” So, if I may draw near, sit beside you, and take your hand for a moment—let’s do a thought experiment. If you were not pregnant, and you and I met for tea, and I asked you, out of friendly curiosity, “Do you want to have children?”—what would you answer? Let it be your guide for your actual decision: Do you want this child?

As for the father? He’s out of the equation. He’s proved to be such a scoundrel that unless he changes—goes to rehab, gets a job, takes medication—he’s lost all right to a future with you. Whatever you decide about your pregnancy, file for an order of protection. And if he violates it, the police will put him in jail.

So that brings us to logistics—unglamorous, unemotional, yes, but a woman who is a mistress of logistics can prevail in almost any important decision. You must calculate the costs—physical, emotional, and monetary—of raising and educating a child, or adopting, or terminating. You must become something of a control freak, I’m afraid, in taking care of yourself. Your number-one priority is recovering from the cancer and getting well. Let me know how you are doing!

Note to readers: Naturally, I often thought of Miss Unconquerable, and after two weeks, I e-mailed her. I could not read her reply (knowing the courage and brilliance it required) without twinkling away a tear:

Hello, E. Jean! Thank you for checking in on me. I am having the baby! I’m 10 weeks! It took me a while to understand your advice and separate my feelings for the baby from the daddy. I haven’t talked to him. I have plenty of time to figure out if he will fit into the equation. I’m focusing on how to be a cool mommy and juggle my career with the baby. So far, so good! I’ll keep you posted on how the li’l pea develops! —Unconquerable

This letter is from the Ask E. Jean Archive, 1993-2017. Send questions to E. Jean at [email protected].